


hold me while you wait

by fraudulentzodiacs



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Depression, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Someone please hug Jamie, Tyler being a Good Friend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-16
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:02:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25937110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fraudulentzodiacs/pseuds/fraudulentzodiacs
Summary: It creeps up on him, so slowly that he doesn’t even recognize it for what it is.It starts before the season even pauses. When it gets harder to find the energy to get out of bed. It’s never been a problem before, but Jamie finds that most mornings he wants to throw the blanket over his head and stay there for as long as possible.
Relationships: Jamie Benn/Katie Hoaldridge, Jamie Benn/Tyler Seguin
Comments: 21
Kudos: 169





	hold me while you wait

**Author's Note:**

> @kkane88 and I were talking (as we do constantly, every day) and we were like "what if Jamie's playing like shit because he's depressed" and I was like "goddamn it" and 5k later here we are. 
> 
> Written for the weekly server challenge. “You’re a coward! You hide away this entirely different part to yourself all because you’re afraid that someone might get close to you! You’re afraid that someone might just care about you more than you think you deserve. That isn’t fair.” This really only uses a bit of the above quote but the whole fic really got away from me so *shrugs*.

It creeps up on him, so slowly that he doesn’t even recognize it for what it is.

It starts before the season even pauses. When it gets harder to find the energy to get out of bed. It’s never been a problem before, but Jamie finds that most mornings he wants to throw the blanket over his head and stay there for as long as possible. It’s Katie’s presence, steady and understanding, that coaxes him out of this funk most days.

The ice helps, skating and drills and the team and Tyler, in particular. He’s his best friend, knows him better than probably anyone other than Jordie at this point. He notices when Jamie skates a little slower, talks a little less, and picks up the slack without a word. He praises the rookies when Jamie forgets, gives advice and chirps the vets, and Jamie feels the pressure lessen just a little bit.

They’re set to play the Panthers the night the season is paused, and Jamie won’t admit it, but he feels something like relief. This time of year is always grueling, but Jamie feels beat down, worn through until his skin feels paper thin. A few weeks off sounds something like relief. It’s just a few weeks, he tells himself, enough time to work through whatever’s causing him to feel this way. It’s going to be fine.

It soon becomes abundantly clear that it’s going to be a lot longer than a few weeks. Suddenly, what held felt like relief and a break makes Jamie want to climb the walls. He loves Katie, but spending days on end in the house with no one else has Jamie on edge, snapping at every little thing where he would normally let it go.

“What the hell is your problem?” Katie snaps one night, slamming the mixing bowl in her hands down as she stares at him from across the kitchen.

“I-“ Jamie starts, closes his mouth, tries again. “I don’t know.”

“Well, figure it out because you’re taking it out on me and it’s not fair.” She turns from him at that, and Jamie wanders out to the backyard. It’s only March, but it’s Texas so it’s more than warm enough to collapse into a chair by the pool. He rubs his hand over his face, scratches his fingers through his beard, and stares at nothing. He wants to call Jordie, but he and Jessi are blissfully happy and pregnant and he doesn’t want to bother him, bring him down during one of the most exciting times of his life. He scrolls through his contacts, hits call before he can talk himself out of it.

“Hey, Chubbs!” Segs’ voice greets, and Jamie feels some of the tension leave his shoulders immediately.

“Hey.”

“You okay?” Tyler’s voice turns softer, more serious immediately and Jamie can only sigh and lean back further in the chair.

“Yeah.” He pauses. “No. I don’t know. I’m, like, yelling at Katie and shit for no reason. Snapping at her, I thought she was going to throw a bowl at me a few minutes ago.”

“Why were you mad at her?”

“I wasn’t mad at her, not really. I can’t even really explain it. It’s not her, it’s me. I’m just…it’s like I have a short fuse all the time.”

“Chubbs, it sucks for everyone.” Tyler assures him. “You’re spending all of your time cooped up in the house with one person. You’re bound to get on each other’s nerves.”

“I guess.”

“Is it something else?” Tyler asks after a long moment. Jamie doesn’t respond, stares up at the darkening sky instead. “Jamie?”

“I don’t know.” He finally admits. “I’ve just felt…off, I guess. Not like me.”

“Yeah.”

“I should go apologize to Katie. I’m sorry for bugging you, man.”

“You’re not bugging me.” Tyler replies with a soft laugh. “You’re my best friend. Call me anytime.”

It goes on like that, and he tries to be better. Katie deserves better, and maybe it’s that knowledge that has him ordering a ring online, having it mailed to Jordie and Jessi’s house so he can keep it a secret. It’s almost her birthday, and he figures that’s the perfect time to ask her. They’ve been together for five years – Jamie doesn’t count the times they’ve split – and this is the logical next step. He waits until she’s upstairs on a zoom call with her family to text a picture of the ring to Segs. True to form, he calls him almost immediately.

“You’re going to _propose_?” He yells into the phone after answering on the first ring, and Jamie chuckles.

“Yeah.”

“I thought you guys were waiting?”

“I mean,” Jamie shrugs, even though he knows that Tyler can’t see him. “What are we waiting for?”

“Jamie…” Tyler’s voice is hesitant, and it’s nothing like what Jamie had expected.

“I thought you’d be happy for me.” Jamie feels his hackles rise, instinct telling him to go on the defensive.

“I am, I promise. If this is what you want-“

“It is.”

“Then I hope that she says yes.” Tyler’s voice is soft, but earnest.

She doesn’t say yes.

Jamie feels numb when she closes the ring box, presses it back into his hands with tears in her eyes. Feels numb when she sleeps in the guest bedroom. Still feels like he’s in a haze when she comes downstairs the next morning with bags in hand, tells him she’ll come back for the rest of her things.

Jamie only nods and listens as the door clicks closed behind her.

His phone rings, texts come in, but Jamie doesn’t get off of the couch. He supposes he shouldn’t be surprised when the doorbell rings the next day, even less surprised when he hears a key in the lock. There’s the telltale scratch of claws against the hardwood floor, and a moment later he has a wet nose in his face.

“Hey, Cash.” Jamie reaches out, scritches behind the dog’s ears as he pants loudly in his face. He looks over when he feels his legs being lifted up on the other end of the couch. Tyler doesn’t say anything, just takes a seat and drapes Jamie’s legs back over his lap and grabs the remote.

“You didn’t have to come over.” Jamie tells him, his voice rough with disuse. Tyler shrugs, face intent on his Netflix queue.

“We have to finish The Witcher.”

Tyler stays late into the night, then shows up again the next morning with coffee and all three dogs. He lets himself in, and Jamie doesn’t bother to get up from the bed – considering it progress from where he had been attempting to become one with the couch. Tyler climbs in next to him, the dogs jumping up to the cover the foot of the bed, and Tyler nudges his shoulder until he sits up enough to take the coffee from him.

“What are you doing here?” He croaks before taking a sip of the drink, made just the way he likes it.

“Home is boring.”

“We’re supposed to be quarantining.”

“You’re the only person I’m seeing, I think we’re okay.”

“Hmmm.” Jamie takes another sip, and they sit in silence until Tyler takes the empty cup from him.

“Okay, no offense Chubbs, but you really need a shower.”

“Shut up.” Jamie grumbles, sinking further into the bed.

“Seriously, the grease situation is worse than the gel.” Tyler chirps, running a hand through Jamie’s hair until he swats him away.

“If I shower, will you leave me the hell alone?”

“Maybe.” Tyler shrugs, hopping off of the bed. “Only one way to find out.”

Jamie won’t admit it, but he does feel slightly more human after he showers and changes – even if he just exchanges one well-worn t-shirt and sweats pairing for another. When he makes it downstairs, Tyler has pushed his living room furniture around until there’s a big open space in front of the TV. He can see the dogs running around out in the backyard.

“What are you doing?” He asks, and Tyler turns around with a bright smile on his face.

“Yoga!” He declares before reaching down and holding up two rolled-up yoga mats.

“You want to do yoga?”

“Yeah, this company wants me to be their spokesperson or partner or something, so they sent me all this awesome equipment and some DVDs.”

“Don’t you remember how bad I was when we did it as a team?”

“This is different.” Tyler waves him off, rolling the mats out side-by-side. “It’s just us. And it, like, promotes a healthy well-being and shit. It’ll be good for us.” Jamie wants to tell him no, tell him that he just wants to lay down on the couch and never get up again, but he looks so hopeful and enthusiastic that he finds himself warming up next to Tyler.

He doesn’t really get into it, not the way Tyler clearly is, but he manages to not make a fool of himself. He ends up watching Tyler, for the most part, as he moves smoothly from one position to another, a kind of concentration on his face that is normally reserved for hockey. Tyler’s always looked good, always kept himself in perfect shape, but there’s something about watching the way his muscles move under his skin, the way his tattoos twist and turn and his body conforms to whatever shape Tyler decides it should be in that drives Jamie to distraction.

When they’re done, he doesn’t want to admit it, but he does feel better. Working out did that to him, and as they cooled down he stared out at the empty pool house.

“Hey, I think I have an idea.”

They move some equipment from Tyler’s, some from the smaller home gym Jamie had put together, and when they get ahold of Rads, Rig, and Bish they bring over some of their own stuff. Eventually, Tyler reaches out to the team’s trainers and they get some stuff from the Stars’ gym. It’s not a bad setup, and Jamie watches as Tyler gets into the concept of it all, developing a training regimen for all of them and basically leading the charge. Watching him, Jamie can picture a future for Tyler after hockey, working as a trainer or coach for a team. He’d be great at it, judging by the way her whips them all into shape – pushing them, but never too far. Jamie feels pride watching him, and makes it his job to make sure they have everything they need from towels to Gatorades to healthy snacks.

It works to distract him, and for several weeks Jamie feels like something approaching normal, but then he wakes up one Saturday and feels something dark and ugly swirling in his gut. Suddenly, the urge to hide away from the world is back, and he spends the day alternating between the bed and the couch. He hates his, hates that he feels this way, something he either can’t or won’t name. It lasts through the weekend, this feeling of both nothingness and being overwhelmed. He can’t process it, still feels it when Tyler shows up Monday morning. He does his best to hide it, especially when the rest of the guys show up, but he feels Tyler’s eyes on him throughout the day. He’s still there when Rads, Bish, and Rig head home, pulling two protein shakes out of the fridge and handing one to Jamie without a word. They sit on the kitchen island, sip their drinks, and Jamie knows that Tyler wants to say something but refuses to give him an opening.

“How are you doing?” Tyler finally asks, and Jamie shrugs.

“You see my everyday man.”

“Yeah, and I know you’re not doing that awesome, bro.” Jamie doesn’t say anything, even though he knows that Tyler won’t let this go. “Is this about Katie?”

Jamie picks at the label on the bottle, seriously considers just getting up and walking out, but even if this is the last thing he wants to talk about, at least Katie is a good enough cover.

“Yeah, I guess.” He finally admits, refuses to think about how he’d been feeling this way before Katie dumped him.

“You’ll meet someone else. I mean you’re, like, a fucking catch.”

“Thanks.” Jamie chuckles, continuing to pick at his bottle.

“Is there something else you want to talk about?” Tyler’s voice is soft, non-judgmental, but Jamie still feels himself tense.

“No.”

Jamie knows that Tyler doesn’t believe him, but he’s more grateful than he can say when Tyler just replies “okay” and asks if he wants to play some COD. Tyler stays late into the night, to the point where it makes more sense for him to just stay at Jamie’s than bike home with the dogs. He tells Tyler as much, and he just shrugs in response. They let the dogs in, who follow them upstairs.

Tyler turns toward the guest bedroom, but the boys go straight for Jamie’s room, Gerry and Cash taking up the foot of the bed while Marshall curls up on the floor nearby.

“Uh…”

“Seems like the boys want to stay with you.” Tyler’s grin is wide.

“I…is that okay?” He asks, and Tyler nods.

“Yeah. I mean, I’m not really used to sleeping without them, but I can loan them out to you.”

“Well, there’s uh…there’s plenty of room. If you wanted to, you know, stay too.” Jamie feels his cheeks burning. He’s unwilling to admit how much the idea of sleeping next to someone again settles him, especially someone he’s as comfortable with as he is with Segs. Tyler, who seems to be studying him, but he doesn’t say anything and simply follows him into the bedroom.

They get ready for bed in silence, Jamie changing into a well-worn t-shirt and stripping down to his boxers. He’s not surprised when he turns around and Tyler’s shirtless – this is Tyler Seguin, of course he’s shirtless. They slip into the bed, and Gerry and Cash shift to accommodate them, Cash dropping his head across Jamie’s ankles.

“Sometimes I wonder if that dog loves you more than me.”

“Cash has good taste.” Jamie chirps, reaching down to pet him.

“Yeah, well, I’m definitely Gerry’s favorite.”

“That’s because Gerry is you in dog form.”

“I…yeah, that’s probably accurate.” Tyler concedes. They fall into silence and Tyler wiggles further down the bed. “Night, Jam.”

“Goodnight.” Jamie tells him, his voice soft even to his own ears, but he gets an equally soft smile from Tyler in return. He falls asleep faster than he has in weeks, and sleeps through the night for the first time in as long.

When the sunlight starts to filter through the window, Jamie feels warm and comfortable and he revels in it until he feels soft breaths against the back of his neck. He tenses, because Katie’s _gone_ and he sleeps alone now, but that’s definitely an arm around his waist that pulls him in tighter when he tries to move. It’s only when he feels a dog press against his feet that he remembers. It’s Tyler behind him, wrapped around and clinging to him like an octopus. Jamie knows that he should pull away – there’s no way Tyler’s doing this on purpose – but he just feels so calm and settled for the first time in months and he just…he wants to revel in it, just for a minute. He settles back against Tyler, who hums and runs his nose along Jamie’s skin. Jamie drops an arm over the one Tyler has wrapped around his waist, feels the warm skin, but fights the urge to lace his fingers through Tyler’s.

He can tell when Tyler starts to wake up, feels him move against him, but he still doesn’t pull away. It’s not until Gerry and Casey realize their dad is awake, climbing on him until he groans and finally pulls away from Jamie.

“Shh, guys, let Jamie sleep.” He tells them quietly before pushing himself out of the bed. Jamie doesn’t move, lets Tyler believe that he’s still asleep as he opens what sounds like a dresser drawer and then guides the dogs out of the room and downstairs to let them out into the backyard.

Jamie lays there for a long while, refusing to analyze how comfortable the moment with Tyler had been. He was his best friend; it was probably normal that he had taken comfort from being around him. And anyway, it had helped because he was still in bed, but he wasn’t feeling like he needed to stay in bed all day and hide away from the world. In fact, when the smell of bacon wafts up from downstairs, he throws the blankets off and finds a pair of sweats before heading to the ground floor. Tyler’s there, bopping along to a song playing over the Bluetooth speaker as he plates a pair of omelets.

“Morning.” Jamie greets, and Tyler turns to him with a wide smile. He’d always been a morning person, ready to hit the day running unless he’d partied too hard the night before. In the beginning, it had bugged the hell out of Jamie, but now it was almost endearing.

“Morning.” Tyler echoes, then reaches over and hands Jamie a mug of coffee. Jamie takes a sip and, of course, it’s exactly how he likes it.

“Thanks.”

“Course.” Tyler shrugs. “I made us some breakfast, then I thought maybe we could take the dogs on a walk, get out of the house for a while.”

“Sure.”

“Awesome.” Tyler walks around the island and sets a plate down in front of Jamie, and his hand lands on his shoulder than drags across Jamie’s back as he moves to the seat next to him. Once he’s seated, he presses his thigh against Jamie’s and…yeah, they’ve always been pretty tactile, but this feels different. It’s nice, though, Tyler’s presence grounding, and Jamie pushes back and refuses to think too hard about it.

He’s not involved in the negotiations for the Return to Play, but Jamie knows it’s probably coming and – for the first time in his life – he’s not sure how he feels about going back to hockey. Dickie keeps him updated, and he knows that he should be excited, but instead he thinks about how much he’ll miss what they’re doing right now. The gym that they have set up in his house, spending his days with Rig, Rads, Bish, and Tyler.

Mostly Tyler.

It’s been weeks since that first night Tyler slept in his bed. They never talk about it, but Tyler spends at least half of his nights at Jamie’s. It never goes beyond cuddling while they sleep, but it’s become routine. They hang out after the guys have left, they make dinner or order takeout, then after the dogs come back in for the last time they make a beeline for Jamie’s bedroom. Jamie and Tyler follow after, and Tyler digs through the drawer Jamie had cleared out for him and they climb into bed together. It feels natural, right, and Jamie knows that it’s definitely weird to share a bed with your best friend, but it…it _helps_ , and the thought of losing that terrifies Jamie. So, he says nothing, and hopes that Tyler won’t either.

The call comes a few weeks after that – they’re coming back. It’ll start with practices with just a few of them, limiting contact as much as possible. Jamie manages to muster up some excitement when Tyler wakes up next to him on day one practically vibrating with energy. It brings a smile to his face as he watches Tyler bounce around the house, eating the breakfast Jamie makes with vigor, then lets himself be dragged to their makeshift gym for a light pre-practice workout. They ride in together, and Jamie has to fight the urge to wrap his hand around Tyler’s as it bounces excitedly against his leg in the passenger seat. It’s mostly the same guys that had been coming to his house for weeks, and there is a familiarity with being back in the team’s facilities that helps to settle the roiling anxiety in Jamie’s stomach. When they hit the ice, Tyler whoops in pleasure and Jamie follows him as they make lazy loops around the rink to warm up. They’re all definitely rusty, but it’s still skating and it’s still _hockey_ and Jamie feels energized after they get off the ice and cool down. He lingers in the shower, and the more time he spends under the spray he feels that awful dark feeling crawling up his spine. They’re back, hockey’s coming back, they’ll be able to finish their season and Jamie should be _happy_ , but instead it feels like his heart’s racing, about to beat of his chest, and all he can think about how easily everything could go wrong. How quickly one person getting sick could turn into the team getting sick, maybe even critically sick – maybe someone _dying_ – and he’s the _captain_ it’s his job to look out for these guys and what if he _fails_ and-

“Chubbs!” Tyler’s voice rings out over the sound of the showers, pulling Jamie out of his head. “Let’s go, I’m starving!”

The practices progress, and Jamie keeps hoping that the ugly feeling swirling in his chest, the dark thoughts that plague his days will go away – that it’ll get _better_ , whatever better is. When they start training camp, he wakes up on the first day hoping that something will click, but instead he wakes up alone and exhausted as if he hadn’t slept at all.

Tyler had spent the night at his own house, and Jamie shouldn’t be upset – they’re not _together_ and Tyler has no reason to spend even one night in Jamie’s bed, let alone most of them. It makes him question why Tyler does it, for the first time. He thinks about Tyler sacrificing his space and time to be around Jamie way more than he should have to be. It goes beyond being a good friend, and Jamie feels nauseous when he realizes…

Tyler _pities_ him.

His sad, miserable, useless captain can’t function on his own like a goddamn adult. So, Tyler has to spend all of his time watching over Jamie, caring for him, feeding him, making sure he stays in shape and does something other than stare at the wall all day. It’s pathetic, and it only makes it worse when he feels tears burn in his eyes.

Tyler doesn’t care, not really. It’s about the team, that’s it. He doesn’t…he doesn’t love Jamie.

Not like Jamie loves him.

Because he does. It hits him all at once, the realization that he loves Tyler – not like a teammate, or a best friend, but the same way he’d loved Katie. Once the thought is there, he can’t let it go. He thinks about kissing Tyler, holding him the way he does when they share a bed, except this time he kisses Tyler goodnight, again in the morning and then throughout the day. Touches him freely, kisses his smile off of his face as if he could transfer it to his own lips. Hold his hand, pull him into a hug just because he can.

The thoughts plague him throughout training camp, and it’s almost enough to distract him, but there are more bad days than good. Days where the only reason he’s able to get up and function is because if doesn’t there will be _questions_ and that’s worse than having to force himself to get dressed, to talk and skate and work.

The night before they’re supposed to leave for Edmonton, Jamie’s staring at his half-packed suitcases when Tyler lets himself into the house, dragging his bags in with him. He hears Tyler taking the stairs two at a time, but he doesn’t turn around to face him when he steps into the bedroom.

“Having trouble, Chubbs?” He asks, the teasing tone clear, but suddenly Jamie’s chest feels too tight, like his heart is going hammer out of his chest, and he can’t breathe, and his brain feels like it’s misfiring, a thousand thoughts racing in his head and he knows this is what panicking is but he can’t – he _can’t_ –

“Jamie, hey, hey, Jamie look at me.” Jamie vaguely registers Tyler’s hands on his face, turning him to face Tyler, but he can’t bring himself to look at him. “Please, c’mon, you gotta breathe with me babe. Please just look at me.”

Jamie finally looks up, expecting to see pity or hatred or impatience, but instead Tyler just looks calm, concerned, and Jamie expels a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding.

“That’s it, babe, c’mon and breathe with me.” Tyler takes an exaggerated breath in and Jamie mimics it, and Tyler coos softly in approval and does it again.

At some point, Tyler guides them to the bed, lays Jamie out and curls up behind him. Jamie’s shoulders shake, and it takes a long moment for him to realize that he’s crying. Tyler just squeezes him tightly, holds on, grounds Jamie until he comes back to himself.

“I’m sorry.” His voice is rough, wet, and he shudders when he feels Tyler press his lips to his shoulder.

“Don’t apologize.” Jamie registers Tyler’s thumb caressing his collar bone and says nothing, focuses on getting his breathing back to normal.

“C’mere.” Tyler finally tells him, tugging until Jamie turns in the bed. He doesn’t want to look at Tyler, doesn’t want to face him, so instead he presses his face into Tyler’s neck as soon as he’s turned over. He’s worried that Tyler will push him away, but he only tangles his fingers in his hair and holds him there. He breathes in Tyler’s scent, so comforting and familiar, and feels the ache in his chest slowly unwind.

When he finally pulls away, Tyler keeps his arms locked around him and stares down at him. His eyes are soft, and Jamie loves him, and he doesn’t stop himself from pressing his lips to Tyler’s. It’s instinct, natural, and Tyler’s lips move against his, soft and slow. Jamie wants to sink into it, lose himself to it, but Tyler pulls away with a gasp.

“Jamie…” He starts, shakes his head. “We can’t-“

“I’m sorry.” Jamie pulls against Tyler’s hold. “I didn’t mean – I’m sorry.” He fights harder, and he might be a little bigger than Tyler but he’s still more than strong enough to hold Jamie in place.

“Wait, Jamie.”

“Please, Ty, I’m sorry-“

“Stop saying that.”

“I can’t believe I – god, Tyler I just-“

“Would you please _stop_.” Tyler twists, throws his weight onto Jamie’s chest and grabs his face with his hands. “I’m not saying no, Jamie.”

Jamie freezes, goes lax underneath Tyler, and stares up at him.

“I’m not saying no.” Tyler repeats, and drops a quick kiss on his lips. “I feel the same way.”

“You do?” Jamie rasps, and Tyler’s small grin reassures him.

“Yeah, of course.” He worries his bottom lip, scans Jamie’s face, and Jamie suddenly feels _seen_ in a way that he’s not entirely comfortable with. “I care about you so much, but you’re…you’re going through something, something that you need to deal with before we…Jam, this is too important to me to mess up because we rushed into it before you’re ready. ”

Jamie feels tears burn in his eyes again, because Tyler’s right. He’s been there for Jamie every step of the way, but he can’t depend on Tyler to fix this, fix whatever’s going on with him.

“Yeah, okay.” Jamie leans into the hand that Tyler pushes through his hair. “I’ve been thinking…I think I need therapy? I just…I haven’t been okay for a while. I haven’t been honest about myself, I think.”

“I think that’s a good idea.” Tyler hums, continuing to run his fingernails along Jamie’s scalp. “You’ve been hiding for a while, man. You hide away and ignore this part of yourself because you’re afraid if you show it or admit that it’s there that people won’t love you, but it’s not true. I see it, and I love you.”

Jamie leans in and kisses Tyler again, quick and chaste, and climbs out of the bed. They finish packing, and Jamie finds a therapist he can see virtually while they’re in Edmonton.

He’s not okay, not by a long shot, but he knows he’s on the road to getting there. This is the first step to taking care of himself, putting himself first for the first time in years. And Tyler will be there, Jamie knows that. As a friend, as the person Jamie loves. He’s not pinning all of his hopes and dreams on it, but knowing Tyler’s on the other side waiting for him, well…

It’s enough.


End file.
